Transcending The Gold Digger Label
Before anyone takes this the wrong way, please know that I’m not saying you should give up on traditional relationships completely.
What I’m saying is that if you operate from a place of authenticity and vulnerability with yourself, you can align and attract the right relationships. (I define “right” relationships as those that in some way expand or advance my life). This realization helped me shift away from relationships where I felt like I was drowning. Once I was honest with what I was really looking for, I began to attract better ones. I know that may be hard for you to believe.
After decades of choosing the wrong men, it’s normal to be convinced that men won’t provide you with what you want. You may even believe that men are cheap, all dating apps are worthless, and it’s just easier to give up and focus on doing everything yourself.
Yes, it is certainly easier to check out.
But is it BETTER?
Consider this analogy:
You have a job that pays you $50,000/year. It’s a perfectly good job. You like some aspects of your work. You enjoy your colleagues. And you don’t feel stressed every day about paying the bills. If someone asked you whether you’d like to make more money, you’d answer “hell, yes!” but in this economy, you’re not taking your stable job for granted.
While you’ll never get rich and may never retire, you feel it’s better to have a $50,000/year job than no job. So you stay at your $50,000/year job forever. You’re not entirely happy, but you’re content. And that’s good enough.
Someone else may look at that same situation through a different lens. It’s not that she’s ungrateful to have stable work in an unstable time; it’s that she recognizes she wants more.
More autonomy. More creativity. More of a challenge. And yes, more money!
$50,000 is fine, but SOMEONE makes $150,000. Why not her? Why should she have to bust her butt for the rest of her life to make someone else rich instead of getting rich herself?
Both are perfectly reasonable positions. My bestie is like the first woman – content at her job for 10 years, although she never made over $40,000/yr. I, on the other hand, always wanted more, and could never convince myself to take a regular job with bosses and meetings and salaries and asking permission to take time off.
Now, I know nothing about you, but I want to ask: are you more like me? Or are you more like my bestie? Do you stay in a job where you don’t feel entirely fulfilled or well-compensated…all because you’re afraid you can’t do better? There’s nothing wrong with having a $50,000 salary. I’ll admit, it’s easier to stay at the same job than it is to become an entrepreneur or get a Master’s Degree to land a better position. But if you ASPIRE to more and you’re not DOING anything about it, well we have something to talk about.
So, if I can assume that – like most people – you’d rather make $150,000 than $50,000, the real question is why you’d stay in your job if you were dissatisfied with the pay? There are reasonable answers – my bestie, for example – didn’t advance her education, had a job with benefits, and was content with what she received. But if you stay at a dissatisfying job that doesn’t even pay well, you’re probably there because of fear, insecurity, and the lack of belief that you could actually make $150,000.
Now, let’s apply that same logic to my favorite subject: dating and relationships.
Would you rather be in relationships that do nothing for you (and actually make you miserable) or in fulfilling relationships that enrich all aspects of your life?
My guess is that you stay in situations because…
You’re afraid of getting hurt, you’re afraid of rejection, you’re afraid of online dating, you’re afraid of being vulnerable, you’re afraid of intimacy, you’re afraid of getting into a bad situation, you’re afraid you’re too old, you’re afraid there’s something wrong with you, and you’re afraid of putting yourself out there and asking for what you want and hearing “no.”
That’s a lot of fear. And it’s running your life.
So, just like someone angling for a raise, getting certified for a better position, or aspiring to be her own boss, I want you to aim higher. Yes, you can make $50,000 but why not aim for $150,000? Yes, you can stay in unsatisfying relationships, but why not aim for fulfilling relationships? Aiming higher isn’t the only way to live but I do think it’s the BEST way to live.
And when you take ownership of that. Will some call you a gold digger?
Sure! But here’s why it doesn’t matter…
Gold Digger is what men will call you when they can’t afford you.
That mixed with the resentment of men who can’t have you – and the judgement of women who secretly want to do what you’re doing – CAN be daunting.
But in both scenarios, you must realize that it’s their stuff to deal with. It’s their own insecurities manifesting and projecting negatively onto you. Not yours.
They’re not on your level – and so they try to bring you down through guilt trips and shame. Rather than apologize for your lifestyle and decisions, your task is to disengage with that person – immediately. So don’t get involved. Not mentally. Not emotionally. Nothing. Whenever you feel conflict or discomfort in your decisions, it’s cognitive dissonance between what you’ve been socialized to believe and what you actually want. Go for what you want and what is best for you, always.
You only have one life, YOU should be the one benefiting from it, first and foremost.
1hr with Taylor, mind blown. I called because I wasn’t sure how to ask for more. I felt like I would be coming off as a gold digger. Taylor put my feelings in check & got me focused on the objective. I wanted the down payment of a condo. I would bring up the subject with him but he never followed through. She told me how to position myself and how to lead him to giving. I did what she said, he gave half of the deposit the same day after speaking with her and will be doing the rest later. Taylor delivers! (Source: Clarity)
Give yourself permission to be expensive!
“It’s okay to be expensive.” Words dropped by Denise D-Thomas. After all, people say high maintenance like it’s a bad thing. But let’s take a moment to consider the results.
Whether or not you identify as being expensive, I’m sure you can identify with wanting to benefit from your relationships. So what’s stopping you from attracting and getting what you want?
Take a moment to ask yourself the following questions.
- How can you expect to attract your ideal relationships if you are not consistently putting yourself out there to get noticed?
- How can you expect others to invest in you when you don’t even invest in yourself?
- How can you expect someone to provide you with what you want when you are not asking for it?
- How can you expect to make your desired lifestyle a reality if you keep treating the lifestyle you envision as “it would be nice to have one day?”
I want you to think about all the reasons you don’t ask for what you want…
If we aren’t asking, we are settling for what is given. And every time you DON’T ask for what you want, you deny someone that opportunity to provide it.
As Elizabeth Taylor says, “It’s not the having, it’s the getting.”
If you don’t know how to ask…
…You have a communication issue.
If you don’t have someone there to ask…
…You have an attraction issue.
Ready to attract relationships that propel you forward?
Want to know the best environments for finding top tier men?
Next: Part 3 (of 4): Getting Noticed In The Right Way (In The Right Place)